Preparing for another incredible journey

Posted in Uncategorized on November 28, 2011 by Ffenics Y Feudwy

Being a parent is not easy, it’s true. But after pining for a third child for a few years now, after two miscarriages and being 11 months into a new relationship with the most perfectly suited partner, my wish will be granted at the end of this month. The difference from my other births is that this will be my first son, and, my first homebirth. Yes, I will be planning more


Unfortunately, the details of my eldest daughter’s birth are rather vague in my memory. Eleven years is a long time and I was only 18 years old myself. I remember having bad back and coccyx pain most of the day, I simply walked it off. But by 8-9pm It was decided to get the midwife over for a check. I was about 9cms dilated by 9:30pm on September 18th 2000. By 1:04am I was cradling my firstborn, who emerged two weeks early at 6lb 13.5oz.

Most of what happened in between is a blur. I remember in-laws driving me to the hospital… the bumps, ouch, I definitely those bumps in the road… the next thing I remember was feeling sick from the first taste of gas and air. Then it kicked in and NOONE was gonna take it off me! I attempted to give birth on all fours, but I was so tired by then I can’t for the life of me remember if I did, or if I lay normally on the bed.  I remember my ex husband not being very helpful though.

When she was finally out, I remember almost passing out. I was in a serene place, warm, yellow and from a distance, I was being told to wake up. But I liked my new found happy place! Reluctantly I came around and I was handed my daughter, who at 11 years old is quite the mathematician. She’s over a year ahead in her maths group. But, she has that first born temperament and has started talking back to me. Of course being flooded with the human chorionic gonadotropin hormone (it’s what’s makes a pregnancy test positive) and other mood altering hormones women are feared for, I don’t take her attitude lightly.


My second birth in 2005 was different. Firstly I did not have the space to pace about in my wee one bedroomed flat like I had back in Wales. I survived by walking round to my mums house and around the neighbourhood, being comforted by close ones. Up in Scotland however, I had to deal with this stuff alone. Yeah I had my partner at the time, but it wasn’t until I was 6 months pregnant that he became interested in the pregnancy.

I was in the early stages of labour from about lunchtime on the 27th March, but it wasn’t until about 10pm I admitted I couldn’t handle it. Probably due to lack of pacing space as I mentioned before. I remember being in a ward this time, strapped up to a monitor at about 12am as I was only 3 cms dilated. My then partner was told to go home to sleep as the baby wasn’t going to come soon. So I was all alone, in a hospital ward, drifting in and out of sleep, secretly texting the father as I wasn’t allowed my phone on, but I felt so goddamned alone. I think that intensified most of the pain.

At around 6am, I woke up having major contractions, my back arching with each one. I was about 7-8cms by now and yet the nurses let me lay there in agonising loneliness until about half past seven when I was moved up to the labour suite. At 8am, I was nearly fully dialated and they finally said they were going to call my child’s father. The pain was unbearable, gas and air wasn’t taking the edge off as I was so tense, so alone… I begged for something extra and at I got a syringe full of something that made me care a little less about the pain so I could focus on my job.

The next half an hour happened fast. My ex partner arrived, the meds kicked in, I relaxed enough that my cervix fully opened and I pushed my second daughter into the world before breakfast. She was only a day early but she weighed a wee 6lb 6oz. No wonder I argued with the staff that it was ok for me to push, she was like a wee doll. So very tiny!

Roll on End of December!

This time, I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to be away from people I love. I don’t want to be in a clinical environment. I want to feel safe, secure and loved. I want to be listened to, to be free to cope with the pain any way I can, and that’s why I decided on a homebirth. Also because I can’t get a member of family to look after the kids at the drop of a hat, although my neighbour is there if some emergency crops up and I need hospital treatment, But I am quite confident that I can do this.

I’ve been reading up on pre-natal hypnotherapy, letting go of my fears, renaming certain things – pain is now pressure, contractions are now surges, labour is now birthing. Hypnobirthing may sound quite out there but it’s not about being hypnotised, it’s about meditation. Focusing on relaxing and letting my womb and pelvic floor do its job rather than tensing up and trying to push.

Ever tried to use a cramped muscle? Yes. Ouch is the word. The secret is to stretch out the abdomen with deep slow belly breaths. No clenched jaws or fists, just dealing with each wave that will bring baby closer. Stretching out the belly will stop the cramp aching and the deep breathing will get the oxygenated blood to that muscle where it can do the most efficient work, instead of being diverted to other clenched muscles.

Then when I’m still focused on keeping relaxed and it’s time for any pushing, I’ll use a different type of breathing. I read somewhere that it’s similar to having a relaxed poo! Yes, relax everything down there, focus on those deep muscles and bare down on the out-breath. Don’t push like you’re constipated though, just let the baby emerge slowly.

Ok, that is the theory anyway. We shall see if I actually manage it. I can’t have any morphine based drugs, just gas and air and paracetamol. But seeing as I’m already able to stretch out braxton hick surges with the breathing technique, my confidence is growing more every day that I can do this.

A right of passage, without this modern fear of pain being stirred up. Be a man and deal with it! Or rather, be a woman and breathe with it!

In love and light,
Ffenics /|\


My Beliefs and morality vs religion

Posted in Uncategorized on July 11, 2011 by Ffenics Y Feudwy

Druid attacks Snowman! Photo By BlueCrow

When I tell people I’m a Druid, I either get asked if I’m feral spec or healing spec. Funny guys. Yeah, My main is a Belf hunter :p (WoW reference there btw). Or, I get told that they don’t exist anymore, or that druidry is not a religion. Then I point them to the fact that modern Druidry was recognised as a religion in Britain in autumn 2010, by the Charity Commission.

I see ancient druids as Celtic Shamans and it helps to study other shamanisms like native American or Mongolian, South American etc, to get a feel of what it may have been like, so my path feels a bit more authentic than a few hundred year old revival. Iolo Morgannwg, bless his wee soul had a vision, but he made it too structured, in my opinion. However, I believe Morgannwg was inspired. He had an idea to bring sexy back and he did it better than Timberlake at any rate.

When practicing any religion, make it your own and follow the basic laws of it. You don’t need to follow a book if you have common sense, a touch of imagination, and the will to at least
try make your local community a bit nicer to live in.

Morality v Religion

We had morals before religion. You can be moral and not be religious. The Bible can attempt to reinforce those morals, but if you needed the reinforcement in the first place, is it not true that anyone seeking God for sinless lifestyle is, or has been, immoral?

Morality is a different subject, but is encouraged within religious doctrine. Which, to be honest, isn’t that much of a bad thing. I know people from a lot of different religious backgrounds (or none at all) and being religious doesn’t necessarily mean that they didn’t make awful choices. It all totally depends on that person’s personality and their conscience. If they can get away with tricking their consciences that what they did was ok when it was really not, you’d be surprised what people will attempt to do.

The original goal of religion was to help man seek a path to divine, something he doesn’t understand. Religion then became tainted by people who wanted control over the masses. These days, certain religions have been twisted and warped, tweaked to the satisfaction of others. It’s a race to accumilate as many members as possible and eventually, become the only one.

I see a god as energy, as it permeates through the universe, the multiverse, dimensions, atoms, the spaces between atoms, possibly in the same context as a flame. It’s there but it has no physical substance and you can only touch it for a fraction of a second before it burns you. It’s like it exists in two different planes of existence.

There is no True God, as I believe it IS existence itself. You cannot humanise such a concept anyway. You can worship it, call it different names, you can use its name in vain, but it will always be the that thing that cannot be explained.

The God aspect IS existence.

Love and Light,


Pronouncing Welsh

Posted in Uncategorized on June 19, 2010 by Ffenics Y Feudwy

I come across so many people incorrectly pronouncing Welsh words and names. A typical example is the name Dylan. It’s a very popular name globally these days, and most people pronounce it Di-Lan, but growing up in South Wales, I didn’t meet one native called Di-Lan. But I knew at least 5 Dylans, we simply pronounced it Duh-Lan. You see, Y in welsh is a funny bugger.

So here is a list of pronounciations. Have fun!

a – short: “a” as in “ham“, e.g., “mam
long: “a” as in “hard“, e.g., “tad
b – as in “boy“, e.g., “bara” (bread)
c – as in “cat” (never the “s” sound as in “cent“), e.g., “cant” (song)
ch – as in Scottish “ch” in “loch“, e.g., “bach” (small)
d – as in “dog“, e.g., “drws” (pronounced droos, meaning door)
dd – a hard “th” (voiced) as in “the” (never the soft voiceless “th” sound as in “thin,)  e.g., “meddwl” (think)
e – short: “e” as in “then“, e.g., “pen” (head)
long: similar to “a” in “cane” e.g., “hen” (old)
f- like a V, as in “of”, e.g., “afal” (apple)
ff – as in “off”, e.g., “fferm” (farm)
g – as in “goat”, e.g., “glas” (blue)
ng – as in “long”, e.g., “yng” (in) Yng is a mutation of yn when followed by a C or G as in Yng Nghymru rather than Yn Cymru, as it flows better.
h – as in “hat”, e.g., “hen” (old)
i – short: “i” as in “sit”, e.g., “pinc” (pink)
long: “ee” as in “seen”, e.g., “hir” (long)
j – as in “jam”, e.g., “jar technically a borrowed letter as J doesn’t really exist in Welsh – hence the name John became Sion (pronounced shoan) or Ioan (pronounced yo-ahn)
l – as in “lamp”, e.g., “losin” (pronounced lo-shin, sweets/candy)
ll – To pronounce “LL” in welsh –  pretend you’re an angry cat or a vampire and force air along both sides of your tongue as you aspirate!  e.g., “llan” (parish)
m – as in “man”, e.g., “mab” (son)
n – as in “name”, e.g., “nos” (night)
o – short: “o” as in “gone”, e.g., “llong” (boat)
long: as in “more”, e.g., “to” (roof)
p – as in “pet”, e.g., “pen” (head)
ph – a mutated form of P, sounded as in “graph”, e.g., “tri phen” (three head)
r – as in “rat”, e.g., “caru” (love)
rh – an aspirated ‘r’ the difference between ‘rh’ and ‘r’ is similar to that between ‘wh’ and ‘w’ in “when” and “went” (therefore no difference really), e.g., “rhyd” (pronounced like “reed”, ford)
s – as in “sit”, e.g., “sant” (saint)
t – as in “top”, e.g., “tan” (fire)
th – as in “thin”, e.g., “cath” (cat)
u – short: as in “sit”, e.g., “sut” (how)
long: as in “seen”, e.g., “un” (one)
w – as in “wind”, e.g., “wedi” (after)
short: as in “look”, e.g., “cwm” (valley)
       long: as in “fool”, e.g., “mwg” (smoke)
y – short: as in “sit”, e.g., “cyn” (clear sound)
      short: as in “gun”, e.g., “yn” (obscure sound)
long: as in “seen”, e.g., “dyn” (clear sound)



Ae, Ai and Au as the ‘y’ in my or in the scottish affirmative “aye”
Welsh words: ninnau (nin-ay); mae (my); henaid (hane-eyed); main (mine); craig (craeeg)

Aw as “aoo” or  the ‘ow’ in cow:
Welsh words: mawr (maoor); prynhawn (prinhaoon); fawr (vaoor)

Eu and Ei as the ‘ay’ in pray:
Welsh words: deisiau (dayshy), deil (dayl); teulu (taylee)

Ew is more difficult to describe – its a short sound,  like the “e” in pen or when saying “meh” (a vocalisation of indifference), plus an “oo” sound – eoo
Welsh words: mewn; tew

Iw and Yw as the ‘ew’ in yew:
Welsh words: clyw (cliw); byw (biw); menyw (meniw)

Oe as the ‘oy’ in toy:
Welsh words: croeso (croyso); troed (troid); oen (oin)

Ow as the ‘ow’ in tow or low:
Welsh words: Rhown (rhone); rho (ro)

Si like in the irish Si dipthong in the name Siobhan (pronounced shevaun) , as in “Sh” in push:
Welsh words: Sian (shahn), siop (shop), siap (sharp)

Wy as the ‘wi’ in win or the french ‘oui’:
Welsh words: Wy (oo-ee); wyn (win); mwyn (mooeen)

Ywy as the ‘ui’ in fluid:
Welsh words: bywyd (buwid)

In answer to “Free will proves God is not good”

Posted in Uncategorized on November 25, 2009 by Ffenics Y Feudwy

Whether the God Aspect (as religion depicts it) is good or not, is irrelevant. It is us who choose which path on the fork to take. It’s funny how after thousands of years, men still argue about the concept of free will.

Everyone is born with free will. It’s not a gift, it’s part of our genetic structure as sentient beings. When we, as a species, evolved to make morally based choices, self sacrifices, and putting others before us, we took a step up on the evolutionary ladder. I believe that free will basically is a component of conscious thought and along with conscience that allowed us to make the right choices.

This newly found thinking was so profound, we couldn’t explain it. Our consciences became our Gods. Religion is built upon our discoveries and interacting with those around us collectively. To please the God(s) is to please our consciences.

Free will (or free choice as I like to call it) is something we’ve always had. We all have subconscious urges, but our conscience decides whether it is a good or bad thing, and free will lets us act on them or supress them. It’s something that goes hand in hand with your conscience. There is that ancient “Golden Rule” that has been the basis for many religions as far back as ancient Egypt and has been carried on through ancient Greece, Buddhism, Judeao based religions, the Eastern religions all the way through to the relatively new religions like Wicca and Scientology: “If it harms none, do what you will”  or as I word it: “Choose to do the right thing, which is not to harm anyone” or, if you catch me on a bad day: “Don’t be a selfish b*****d!”

When will people realise that it does not matter which path to the Divine you take, as long as you have faith and believe that it resides within you.

When morality and ethics don’t need to be preached anymore, then religion is dead. It will be just us. There are still so many people in this world who do not follow the “Golden Rule” and so religion is still here to remind them. And as most people hate being told what to do, I think they kid themselves into thinking they lead good lives, that they do not need “God” or his rules (conscience). If these people looked in the mirror and asked for the truth, they would probably not like the answer they would receive. People generally can’t take the truth or criticism well.

People should stop trying to analysing it and just be happy with the fact that shit happens due to the choices we make – bad or good – it’s what makes us human. Also, nothing is perfect, as is no-one. Do we make our own fate, or is it predetermined for us and we just choose the different paths to its end?

If fate, on the whole, was predetermined, then what would be the meaning of life? Making these choices with conscious effort or not, takes us on different pathways of self-discovery. We earn from mistakes and gain knowledge from them. Thus we gain wisdom out of our life experiences. And what would be the point in that? well to pass on our knowledge to others so we as human beings can evolve into higher life forms.

I believe that the divine is the whole of everything. You are divine. THE Divine. Good/evil exists within us, in our ability to make choices. It is the eternal battle – to be selfish or to be selfless.

If people’s religions remind them about the Golden Rule without ANY exceptions, then we shall not judge them for choosing their path. We must not. Judge yourself first.

In Love,


Searching For My Tribe

Posted in Uncategorized on November 20, 2009 by Ffenics Y Feudwy

Yes, I’ve been trying to research my family Tree. I decided to do this using the four branches of my grandparents from my paternal line and my maternal line.

I began by visiting and researched my paternal line first, as my aunt told me that a relative had already done so. But I came to a dead end eventually.

Tonight I thought I’d start off my maternal lineage, but I suddenly had the idea of just searching the surnames origins, then it hit me – heraldry! I don’t know why I hadn’t looked more into it. I already discovered my family’s crests and tartans. So I took a deeper look into where the crest had originated. This is what I found out:

My paternal Grampy’s surname originated in Monmouthshire, Gwent, South Wales. Silures Territory.
My paternal Nana’s surname originated in Caernarfonshire, Gwynedd, North Wales. Ordovices Territory.
My maternal Nana’s surname originated in Flintshire, Clwyd, North Wales. Deceangli Territory.
My maternal Grampy’s surname originated in Dublin, Ireland, The Vikings invaded in 9 AD and settled here. I know I have viking blood in me and this supports the
legend. Although, my paternal line is said to also have Irish blood.

I feel I have a huge celtic connection, now more than ever.

For my next trick, the linear maternal line, mother to daughter. I could fork out £400 and get a DNA map done, but I’m not exactly going to spent £400 on that when I need a new carpet, bed, washing mashine, toilet…… list is endless!

Nos da pawb! Da boch chi!


Lucid Dreaming

Posted in Uncategorized on August 12, 2008 by Ffenics Y Feudwy

I do not snore, Mum!

Have you ever been able to control or direct a dream after becoming aware that you are indeed in the land of Nod?

This is known as lucid dreaming. You can teach yourself to recognise dream time and it is easier than you would think. Lucid dreaming, when handled correctly, can become a great tool on your spiritual path, a gateway to the spirit realm that may even allow you to converse with the spirits that reside there.

Set a conscious trigger. Tell yourself over and over before you go to sleep that if something in your dream seems wrong or different to what you know to be real life, that you will use it as a trigger to identify lucid dream time.

It may take a few attempts but with careful practice, you will be able to recognise a lucid dream with ease. Most of the time, you only realise you are dreaming when something, for example an object that you normally carry about on your person, like a driving licence, writing on a favourite pen, writing in a book or on any object, seems to mutate.

I find that recognising this distorted perception of objects, plus the way some things seem not quite right, is easiest done by attempting to read within in a dream. I notice that the words and letters can never stay still. They mutate, shift into smaller or larger sizes, words fluidly change, appear and disappear. Another thing you can try to do is conjure objects, or even change your surroundings!

In my personal experience, it is these signs that may trigger a “I must be dreaming!” feeling. You may be able to develop a tool from this unconscious exercise so that you can take a step closer to the spirits.

Remember, when you feel you have attained what you need from the spiritual interaction, set yourself another trigger, pinch the back of your hand, or tap it a certain number of times on the back of your hand/neck to wake up or leave the dream.

You could even visualise falling back to Earth, using the falling sensation to wake you up. Do not feel disheartened if things do not go to plan at first, it takes time to perfect the technique.

Again, if you don’t want any interaction with spirit and just want to mess about, fly, or grow into a huge giant, feel free, it is your dream after all. It’s a great tool for communicating with your subconscious self, too.

I find keeping a book and pen handy next to your bed is a great way of keeping track of dream content, as I’m sure you’re aware, there is nothing more annoying than having a wonderfully insightful dream, or even getting an eureka moment, and then forgetting about it a few hours after waking.

In love and light,


Facing your fears

Posted in Uncategorized on August 3, 2008 by Ffenics Y Feudwy

We all get times when fear stares us in the face. Fear itself is necessary. It’s there to make us aware what can happen and will help us to take the necessary precautions, like taking a taxi through the rough part of town at night instead of walking, even if it is a short distance. Fear is a healthy primaeval force.

But when fear is able to affect our everyday decisions and control our lives in such a way that we cut ourselves off from everyday things, we can become obsessive, paranoid, depressed, stressed and volitile.

So how do we overcome fear naturally?
I’ll give you an example. I have a fear of pain. Well not a fear exactly, more I’d rather avoid it. I’ve have had two children and went through the most part of both the labours drug free. I trusted my mind would, with or without drug relief, sever the connection with the pain at the most critical moment. And it did. I semi passed out on both births right at the end. I was in “the yellow room” which I called it. It is a place I’ve only ever found during labour. It’s a place of serenity, calmness. I was conscious when I entered it and I could hear the nurses and my partner at the time trying to rouse me, congratulating me, But I just wanted to stay for as long as I could in my yellow room. You are in total body relaxation. It was a wonderful place, and I felt so sleepy there but a voice in the back of my head told me I’d better open my eyes and snap myself out of it.

As you can see, my fear of pain shouldn’t be so bad, as my mind shuts off to it, but I cannot shut it off for piercings. I used to self harm as a teenager to deal with emotional pain and anguish, but professional pierings really bring my fears up.

I got my nose pierced last year, it hurt. There was no yellow room that time. I had to deal with it and I focused all wrong and it hurt more than it should have. I really want to get my labrette done, but I’m scared of the pain. I know it wont be as bad as the nostril as there isn’t any cartilage to pierce through, but I still fear it immensely. I’m working up the strength to get it done though I may have to get extremely angry or upset to get it done, just so I can deal with the pain!

So, there we have pain, a fear most of us get, a fear most of us can deal with healthily. But fear of emotional pain is not healthy. Fear of getting hurt again after that bad relationship can change us. It makes us not want to go into another relationship, gets us thinking all men/women are the same. we know deep down that everyone is unique and individual, but if you carry on this feeling from failed relationship to failed relationship, though you may think it’s that person’s fault as they acted like the last one, maybe its the YOUR attitude and narrow mindedness thats causing the relationship to fail, resulting in one or both parties pushing each other away, sabotaging the relationship unintentionally.

The thing with all fears is that if you let them control you, your life won’t be as rich as it should. Take that step. Make that leap of faith. Change your attitude towards whatever is blocking your path. If you keep thinking “what if?” and don’t do something, you will regret it, and regret is not a jolly companion.

You fear jumping out that plane? The parachute not opening? You tempted fate even getting into that plane to start with! You tempted fate getting into that car to take you to that airport that morning! You tempted fate wolfing down your breakfast barely giving yourself time to swallow nearly choking you.

You will never be able to get life experience living in fear. You need to follow your heart not your head. Use your head to perform necessary back up plans if things fail, but use your heart to push you forward through that dark tunnel that fear has held you in for such a long time and out into the light where triumph, success and joy is waiting for you, ready to tell you “You did it!”